Presbyterian Humor from around the Web

You might be a Presbyterian if . . .

1. You've got a big bushy beard in honor of R. L. Dabney.
2. You can spell supralapsrian , suprlapsarian, suralapsrian, supralapsarian.
3. When asked to name the twelve apostles you say Matthew, John, James, Andrew, Peter, Nathaniel, Phillip, Simon, Thomas, Augustine, Luther and Calvin. 4. You used to be a Baptist.
5. You started drinking ("in moderation" of course) after you left the Baptist church and became a Presbyterian.
6. Your children's names all begin with "covenant."  In other words, normal people have babies, boys, girls, kids, and/or children.  Presbyterians, on the other hand have "covenant" children.  Instead of introducing your kids as Billy, Bobby and Suzy, it would be more proper to introduce them as Covenant-Bill, Covenant-Bob, and Covenant-Sue.
7. When the spirit comes upon you in power, you don't raise your hands and shout Hallelujah, rather you scratch your chin, turn to your neighbor and whisper "hmmm… that was a good point."
8. You think fencing has something to do with the Lord's Supper instead of swords.
9.  You've considered church discipline for people who watch the NFL on Sunday afternoon.
10.  When someone asks you a question about the Bible, you answer, "Well, the confession says…" or "the catechism says…"
11.  Charles Spurgeon is just a little too Arminian for your blood.
12.  They aren't "Catholics," or even "Roman Catholics."  They're "Romanists," or "Papists."
13.  You secretly suspect that John Calvin was a liberal because of his compromise on the Sabbath issue.
14. You know the meaning of most or all of the following - PCA, PCUS, PCUSA, PC(USA), PC(U.S.A.), PCUSA(NS), PCUSA(OS), RPCES, RPCNA-GS, RPCNA, EPC, OPC, ARP, NAPARC, CRC, RCA, BPC, BPC-Collingswood, BPC-Columbus, CPC, TE, RE, WCF, WLC, WSC, BCO, UPC, UPCNA, UPCUSA, NPC,
15. You know, or think you know, the difference between "Calvinist" and "Reformed."
16. You think the phrase "chosen frozen" is a compliment.

You might be a TR (Totally Reformed) if...

1. You first quote the Westminster Confession and then say, "Oh yeah, the Bible says this somewhere, too."
2. You refuse to vote for Jesus as Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" because you don't want an image of Christ on the front cover.
3. You secretly believe that you have to believe in election to be saved.
4. You think Puritans are really, really, really, REALLY cool.
5. While not being a theonomist, you completely understand them.
6. While officially affirming the "priesthood of all believers," the only people you really trust to interpret Scripture are Calvin and yourself, and you only trust yourself on Thursdays before noon.
7. For you, a Baptist and stupid are the same word.
8. A "Reformed Baptist" and a "square circle" are equally as difficult for you to imagine.
9. You wonder what the Holy Spirit was up to between the times of Paul and Calvin.
10. You think women belong in the home and not in any pulpit, much less a staff position in large churches.
11. At some point in your life, you honestly believed that the only people who are saved are you and your buddy who thinks just like you, and then you kind of have to wonder about him because he DOES think just like you.
12. You think any church that has more than 200 people is probably apostate.
13. You are personally repulsed by Campus Crusade for Christ.
14. It is harder for you to keep the Sabbath than it is to fill out your taxes.
15. You keep telling yourself that Willow Creek has to be a really bad dream.
16. You've considered stoning someone.
17. You've seriously thought about lighting up a cigarette in church.
18. You think "that Pope as the Antichrist thing" should never have been taken out of the Confession.
19. Saying a blessing before the first round of drinks doesn't seem strange to you at all.
20. Your favorite Bible is your "Authorized Bahnsen Version."
21. You're convinced that everyone in your Presbytery is secretly a 33rd degree Mason.
22. You know that the Apocrypha doesn't belong in the canon, but you wonder sometimes whether we should add Van Til's, "The Defense of the Faith."
23. You pray daily for God to release His judgment on para-church ministries.
24. You think no true evangelism has been done without at least 3 lengthy quotes from the Confession.
25. You can't figure out why God didn't take Van Til like He did Enoch.
26. For you, tobacco is its own major food group.
27. You like Sproul Jr. a whole lot better than his father.
28. You think John Gerstner was an Arminian who knows better now.
29. You think the "Concerned Presbyterians" are way too moderate.
30. The only reason you haven't condemned Covenant Seminary is because you went there and you don't want to invalidate your entire theological training.
31. You have no idea what personality type you are, which explains why you are a TR.

You might be a BR (Barely Reformed) if...

1. You changed the name of your church from "Knox Reformed Presbyterian" to "Grace Community Fellowship."
2. You've ever seriously considered going to Pensacola or Toronto to bring back the fire.
3. You think what the church needs is another revival, not another reformation.
4. You've ever done an "infant dedication" service.
5. You own more than one book by C. Peter Wagner, David Wilkerson, James Dobson, or Gary Smalley
6. You don't own anything by Charles Hodge, Archibald Alexander, or B.B. Warfield.
7. You think it's a good thing that many of your members don't know the church is Presbyterian.
8. The words “relevant, contemporary, and cutting edge” cause you to salivate excessively.
9. You don't trust anyone who doesn't have exceptions to the Confession.
10. You consider it to be in bad taste to ask theological questions of a candidate on the floor of Presbytery.
11. You've ever cut a service short because of "Super Bowl Sunday."
12. You constantly use the word "just" while praying (i.e. We "just" really want to thank you).
13. You switched to using overheads so people would have their hands free to "just really worship God."
14. You believe the greatest work on Apologetics ever written was "More than a Carpenter."
15. You wish there was some way of incorporating an altar call into your service.
16. You have a "worship team."
17. You believe that Republican and Christian are synonyms.
18. The most common logo on your casual clothing is "PK."
19. You nod your head when someone says, "Doctrine divides."
20. You could sell your copy of the Confession in "like new" condition.
21. You think that the PCUSA went Liberal because people just really stopped loving Jesus.

Various Levels of Reformedness
(not in order according to degree)
 
AR - Almost Reformed (has only heard of R. C. Sproul)
BR - Barely Reformed (has heard of R. C. Sproul and thought about buying some of his tapes)
CR - Critically Reformed (more negative than John MacArthur on the Charasmatic movement)
DR - Doubtfully Reformed (only attends this church for the music)   
ER - Errantly Reformed (a Four Point Calvinist)  
FR - Fantastically Reformed (owns a set of Calvin's Commentaries) 
GR - Grossly Reformed (the kid you would want your daughter to date but not marry)  
HR - Hopefully Reformed (the kid you would want your daughter to marry for his money but you would keep his name on your prayer list)  
IR - Incredibly Reformed (even the Session doesn't believe half of what this guy believes)  
LR - Loudly Reformed (maybe right, maybe wrong, but never in doubt)  
MR - Mostly Reformed (watches football on Sunday afternoons with the family and reviews the Shorter Catechism during halftime)  
NR - Newly Reformed (has recently begun attending a Reformed church and has had to buy a new bookshelf for all the additional reading material)  
PR - Possibly Reformed (spoke up once at Bible Church and told to try the PCA)  
SR - Staunchly Reformed (can quote limited sections of the Shorter Catechism and the Confession of Faith)  
TR - Truly Reformed (has memorized the entire Shorter Catechism and can quote the Confession of Faith by chapter and section)